One of the most disconcerting things for a child is to find out by accident - either by overhearing an adult conversation or by perhaps discovering a birth certificate or even from being taunted at school that they don’t look like their parents - that they have been adopted.
For previous generations adoption was often kept hidden, many children only realising they had not been born into a family when a parent died. Adoptees have been shattered not by the fact of their adoption but that their parents had been deceiving them for years.
“One of the most important things about adoption is what your child understands about it as part of his or her life history,” says Marjorie Morrison in her book, Talking about Adoption to your Adopted Child (BAAF £7.50). “For some children placed as babies or toddlers, talking about their adoption is about helping to develop their place in their adoptive family... and piecing together a life history which is not part of their conscious memory.”
For older children who may have lived for many years with their birth parents, discussions about adoption help to make them feel secure within the new family.
What to call biological parents? Birth parents sums up the relationship and some people use “tummy mummy” for very young children. Other people have found it simpler to call the birth parent by her first name to make the distinction or use “first mummy”. Using “new” for an adoptive parent implies a replacement and all parents should have their place and be valued especially as under the Children Act birth parents are now allowed to keep in touch with children they have given for adoption.
Where do I come from? All children from whatever families ask this question at some time or other. Adoptive parents need to find out as much as they can from the adoption agency and social workers so that an accurate picture can be built up. Just as you might keep a diary or record of a natural child’s progress, you can do this for an adopted child by finding out the time of day he was born, when he said his first words/took his first steps etc.
Also any information about the birth parents helps the child to place himself in a context. There may also be health concerns which may need to be passed on. Photographs of birth parents and their family are a real bonus.
It is wise to think about the type of questions your child might ask and try to have the responses thought out. If you don’t know something, say you don’t and suggest that you could try to find out - some adoption agencies offer an information exchange service so that the adoptive family can find out about the birth family whom they can also update with information about the child’s progress.
Be positive about adoption as a choice that has been made for the child, to give him the best chance of a happy and secure future.
