“It’s not fair! He always sits in the front seat/has his favourite TV programme on/gets to stay up later...” What parent hasn’t heard some version of that wail?
Often we end up thinking where did I go wrong? But jealousy between children in the same family is all quite normal. It’s part and parcel of growing up although often parents can’t understand what their children are fighting about.
The older child
It is natural for a child to want all his parent’s attention. Children do and will compete with each other so what parents have to do is make sure each child feels special whatever their place in the family.
We have to be prepared for a first child to resent the arrival of a second - however sensitively we prepare him for the event.
A first child has had your undivided attention and although he might be delighted at the prospect of a new brother or sister to play with the reality is that his mother will have to spend a lot of time with the new arrival who, in his eyes, is not much fun to be with.
The usual two to three year gap between children favoured by so many couples is actually the worst for generating sibling rivalry. A smaller gap means the child is often too young to have staked his claim to priority. The greater the number of years between the children the less likelihood there is of rivalry and jealousies. A child of five or more has her own friends and probably a very defined social life. This doesn’t mean to say of course that there is never any rivalry.
The younger sibling
It is often assumed that jealousy comes from the older, displaced child but his is not always so. Many younger children resent the fact that their older brother or sister is allowed more privileges, gets all the new clothes etc. Just as his older sibling has to learn to share his parents’ attention, so younger children need to know that they can’t stay up as late, and have to wait until they are older to join a club/go to school/stay overnight with a friend.
A younger child may be constantly trying to do what his older sibling can do, to catch up with him. This can have beneficial effects for the younger child and act as a spur for the older.
However some younger children opt out of the competition and act “babyish” in order attract and claim mum’s attention. This may be especially true when there is a middle child who, in turn, resents his younger sibling.
Learning to share
Children have to be encouraged to share both attention and resources. Toys and space are often the subject of dispute by younger children. One remedy is to have named toy boxes or separate shelves or cupboards and permission is sought before something is removed.
When a bedroom is shared, it’s a sensible idea to try and make some division so that each child is aware of their own territory. This helps when one is tidy and the other isn’t - it’s easy to see whose mess it is! A few ground rules like this can make for a less fraught time.
Every child should feel loved and important. If you can make some time to spend alone with each child on a daily basis (or weekly perhaps if you’re a working mum) it will improve your relationship and be a boost to the children’s self esteem, hopefully reducing sibling rivalries.
